The Court Of The (False) Crimson Queen...

I recently noted that our esteemed sponsor, Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, has fragrances in its Mad Tea Party collection themed on the playing card characters in Alice's Adventures In Wonderland. Since regular playing cards are somewhat analogous to the four suits of the Tarot's minor arcana, I couldn't help wondering what these particular scents would have to say about their respective cards. So here's what I ordered:

THE KING OF HEARTS
"Rosewood and black cherry with white musk, red rose, red musk and a spark of lavender."

THE KNAVE OF HEARTS
"Crushed roses and blackcurrant tarts."

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS
"Lily of the Valley, Calla Lily, stephanotis and a drop of cherry."

TWO, FIVE & SEVEN
"A huge bouquet of squished rose petals: Bulgarian rose, Somalian rose, Turkish rose, Damascus rose, red and white rose, tea rose, wine rose, shrub roses, rose, rose, rose... and just an itty bitty bit of green grass."

I had planned on incorporating all of these into a big post on the suit of Cups, but when I sat down to do it, I hit a serious roadblock: the original Tenniel illustration showing the Two, Five, and Seven painting the roses red (as seen above) portrays them as spades. Spades. That ruins everything -- or does it?

Before I go too far down the rabbit hole of wild speculation, let me say that I'm quite aware that Carroll's book is a work of pure fantasy and shouldn't be expected to hold up to the scrutiny of real-world logic. If anything, the fantastical nature of the work invites us to comb through it playfully, trying to make sense out of nonsense. So here goes...

I allege that the entity presenting herself as the Queen of Hearts in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland is an impostor. In fact, I further allege that the entity in question is non other than the sinister Queen of Spades (or Swords, as the case may be). Think about it: the shouting, the tortured logic puzzles, the ruthless competition of the croquet match, the unrelenting desire to punish and decapitate. Are these the qualities of the dreamy Queen of Hearts? I think not.

If there's anything we've learned by now, it's that the Swords are not to be trusted. They cut the man who wields them just as easily as they cut his opponent. In fact, from the moment when Alice first enters the courtyard, we witness a fraud being perpetrated by the Two, Five, and Seven on behalf of the Queen's dogmatic insistence on red roses over white. The Queen's decision to have her servants executed is, no doubt, an effort to conceal her true identity -- she certainly can't reveal herself as a Spade-sympathizer in front of the whole court.

The timid King plays much closer to type, which makes me wonder about the power the Queen exerts to control him. I suspect blackmail or worse.

The samples from BPAL have tipped me off to new evidence. The Queen can mask herself behind red paint all she pleases, but she can't beat the smell test -- out of the court cards present, she's the only one who doesn't smell like roses. In fact, one could argue that the scent of calla lilies is a dead giveaway here -- they're incredibly toxic and commonly associated with funeral arrangements.

In a sort of poetic final argument, I'd like to present a few lyrics from the King Crimson's 1969 release "The Court of the Crimson King", which I believe may contain some elements of backstory from the King of Hearts' perspective:

"The rusted chains of prison moons are shattered by the sun / I walk a road, horizons change / The tournament's begun."

Hmm. Perhaps there is more at stake in the Queen's croquet game than we've ever suspected. Don't play, Alice! If you lose, you'll be sent to a holding tank for lost souls in a parallel dimension!

"The black queen chants the funeral march / The cracked brass bells will ring / To summon back the fire witch / To the court of the crimson king..."

Creepy! But not nearly as revealing as this:

"The gardener plants an evergreen / Whilst trampling on a flower..."

How can this not be a comment on the hapless Two, Five, and Seven?

Ultimately I decided to memorialize my search for the truth in a post for the Seven of Swords, a card that warns of fraud and cowardice, of resistance and futility, all of the qualities that the "Queen of Hearts" stands for. Incidentally, the fragrances were lovely. Special thumbs up for the Knave of Hearts, which smells like something magical baking in the oven. But I'll save the dossier exploring his crimes against the state for another time...

Previously On Arcanalogue: The Seven Of Swords

Summary only...